Doubts
by Kinelea
Summary: After a tragic event, Gambit begins to doubt his beliefs. Focused mainly on how he copes. Have upped the rating for disturbing imagery. Please R&R. Updated! Ch. 4 is up.
1. The Decision

Disclaimer: I do not own Gambit or any of the other Xmen. Amy also does not belong to me, she is my friend's character. 

Doubts

Chapter One: The Decision

Remy Lebeau stood looking into the dark. The smoke from his cigarette drifted off into the silent night. His thoughts were plenty, as he stood, drifting back and forth. 

" Remy?"

Her voice seemed loud in the quiet darkness, intruding upon his thoughts. 

He didn't respond as she walked up beside him. She rested her slender hand on his shoulder. 

" Are you okay?"

The truth was, he didn't know. What had happened in the past week disturbed hm, made him question things he'd been sure were certain. 

" I dunno, chere." He replied, quietly.

" There's not much more you could've done. " She told him, giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. 

" I know, but, we're de X-men, right chere? We're s'posed t' stop dat kinda t'ing from hap'nin'. If we can't, den wut good are we?" Remy asked, finally turning to look at her.

She held his melancholy gaze for only a moment before dropping her eyes to the ground. 

" We do help lots of people, Remy, you can't deny that." She said, finally.

Remy turned from her to look into the night again. 

" Oui, but not when it matters mos'." 

They fell silent again, both lost in their own thoughts.

" Go back inside, chere, it's col' out here." Remy said, breaking the silence.

" When are you coming in?" She asked.

" I'm gon' be a while yet, don' wait for me."

She sighed and nodded then turned to leave him.

" T'anks, chere, fer tryin'."

She stopped and looked back at him.

" Your welcome."

Remy didn't turn at her response but listened as the door swung closed behind her.

He stood for a while longer then butted his cigarette and slowly walked inside, his mind made up.


	2. Goodbye

Chapter Two: Goodbye

" I'm leavin' Professor." 

Charles Xavier looked up from his desk, startled.

" Leaving, Remy? Is that what you think is best?" He asked, knowing the reason for Gambit's decision to leave.

The tall Cajun sighed and looked down at the floor.

" I got some t'ings I need t' sort out myself. But, t'anks fer yer hospitality an' all. I really 'preciate it." 

Xavier sighed.

" Your welcome, Remy and know that you'll always have a place here." 

Gambit nodded. He looked up and the Professor noted the sadness and grief in his eyes that hadn't been there the week before. 

" Bye, Professor." 

" Goodbye, Remy." 

*

Saying goodbye to the Professor had been harder then Gambit had thought it would be. Now, there was only one last person he needed to say goodbye to and he had a feeling that this would be hardest of all. 

*

The knock on her door was so soft that Amy almost didn't hear it. She rose from her desk and moved to answer it.

" Bonjour, chere." 

Just from the tone of his voice, Amy could tell he'd come to say goodbye.

" I've gotta' go away fer a while, chere." 

" Where are you going to go?" She asked, quietly, trying to convince herself not to cry but feeling the tears prick her eyes anyway. 

" I dunno." 

Amy looked away from him as the tears began to fall. 

" Chere..." 

He took her in his arms like he had so many other times. 

The sobs she was trying to hold back burst free and she cried against his chest.

" Amy, I have t' go. I can't stay here, doubtin' every move we make."

She nodded, understanding what he said but still not wanting him to leave. 

" I'm sorry, chere." 

He held her while she cried, feeling horrible but knowing that this was what he had to do. 

She looked up at him after a moment and he gently wiped her tears away.

" I-I love you, Remy." She choked, finding that she needed to say this even though she was sure he knew it.

" Ya' know dat I love ya, chere, dat ain't gonna change." Gambit replied.

He leaned forward and their lips met. 

For a brief moment, during their kiss, Amy was able to forget the fact that he was leaving. 

When he pulled back, reluctantly it seemed, reality came rushing back to meet her. 

She hugged him tight for the last time then let him go. She continued to cry as he stepped away from her, unshed tears glittering in his eyes. 

" G'bye, chere." He said, so softly it was barely a whisper. 

" Goodbye." She managed. 

He walked to the door and, with a last glance over his shoulder, he was gone.


	3. On Your Own

Chapter Three: On Your Own

The roar of the Harley seemed to finalise it, the fact that he was really leaving. Logan shook his head, watching from the window, as one of his closest friends sped away from him. He sighed and lifted his beer to his lips, a beer, if things had gone differently, he would now have been sharing with Remy. 

Logan swallowed and turned from the window. This was Remy's choice, he knew that. There'd been many times when he'd taken off, to deal with things. Now, it was simply the Cajun's turn. Nonetheless, Logan hated goodbyes. 

*

Ororo Munroe tried not to think as she watered the plants in her room. She couldn't help but note that Remy had given her half of them. It was hard for her to believe that he was actually gone. 

" Chin up, Stormy. Ya' probably won' even notice I'm gone." 

Faintly, she'd smiled.

" Don't call me that. And Remy" she touched his arm " promise me you'll be careful." 

" I always am, Stormy, ya' know dat." 

It had been hard watching him after it had happened, he just hadn't been himself anymore. They'd all been affected and devestated by it but it seemed to have gotten to Remy the most. 

In a way, she reflected, it was almost better that he was gone. Now she wouldn't have to bear the torture of seeing him so miserable. Still, it was painful and she knew she would miss him.

*

Gambit watched the scenery pass by with empty eyes. It pained him to leave the X-men, his family. But it couldn't be the same anymore, not after. . .

The road was a lonely place, it always had been. There had been points in his life where he'd welcomed that solitude, but now it simply depressed him. He knew he'd brought this upon himself but the pain was still there. He was helping his friends, he reasoned, by leaving. Remy had seen the pain in Ororo's eyes after it had happened, seen her watching him. He knew that he was causing that pain. He wasn't being himself, couldn't anymore, and it hurt Ororo and many of his other friends. He couldn't bear it.

Here he was, then. On the open road, nothing but his thoughts for company. Inwardly, he cursed himself for being such a coward. All of the X-men had been affected but none of them were running away. They were dealing with it, helping each other deal with it. 

The fact of the matter was, Remy was scared. Scared because he was starting to doubt everything. But how could he help but doubt? If they couldn't save all those poor kids from being massacred, how, then, could they do anything else? They were supposed to be heroes, the X-men, and they hadn't been able to save a bunch of innocent children. How could they hope to be much help to anyone else?

Gambit didn't know how he was going to deal with this fear, these doubts. His only hope was that, somewhere here on the rood, he could find some way to cope, like he always had. The only thing was, this time, he didn't even know where to begin.


	4. Memories and Torture

Chapter Four: Memories and Torture

A/N: Ok the first part is supposed to be in italics so I will put stars at the beginning and end of the italics so you know. Sorry for not updating sooner.

_The air was thick with smoke and he could barely see. He tried to follow the sounds of the cries and screams, hoping he would be able to locate some children and get them out of this building. _

_Coughing, Remy pulled the collar of his trenchcoat up to cover his face. He tripped on something and stumbled forward but didn't fall. His ears picked up a quiet whimper that turned into a cough. Remy hurried towards the sound. In a corner, two small children were curled up close to each other, resembling each other so much they had to be siblings. One of them was unconscious and the other regarded him with large, terrified eyes. _

_" Don' worry, petite, I'm here t' help." He murmured comfortingly. _

_He picked them up, carefully and the little girl who was conscious wrapped her arms around his neck. _

_Remy started to run when he heard an explosion from somewhere close by. He had to get these kids out of here. Frantically, he ran, searching for an exit, not caring that his lungs were filling with the acrid smoke. All that mattered was saving these innocent lives. _

_Finally, he burst out the door of the building, coughing violently but determined to keep moving. But that's when it happened. The building behind him exploded and the blast threw him forward. He clung tightly to the two children and tried to turn himself so that he would hit the ground and spare them as much hurt as possible. _

_Gambit landed hard on his shoulder and slid for a few feet through gravel, which tore the sleeve of his trenchcoat and the skin beneath. When he finally came to a stop, he sat up, ignoring the pain of his arm and shoulder and regarded the children he carried. _

_The boy who had been unconscious throughout lay was limp. There was no rise and fall of his chest. Gently, Gambit lay him on the ground, as he did with the boy's sister and checked for a pulse. Nothing. The little boy was dead. _

_Grief stricken but knowing he could still possibly save one child, Remy turned to the little girl. It wasn't a happy sight. She lay on the ground, coughing weakly, blood speckling her lips. Remy bent over her._

_" C'mon, petite, please, stay wit' me." _

_The little girl looked up at him, her eyes filled with pain and fear. Then, her body convulsed one last time and she lay still, her now vacant, dead eyes staring up at Gambit. _

_Remy gently picked her body up and cradled it in his arms, closing his eyes as tears streamed down his face. _

_" My babies!!!!" _

_The woman's pained, heart wrenching yell forced Remy to open his eyes. A woman was running toward's him, stricken, tears streaming down her face. The mother. _

_She reached Gambit and collapsed, sobbing, seeing her daughter's body in his arms._

_" I'm sorry..." Remy whispered, feeling these words were horribly innacurate and would do nothing to ease this woman's pain. _

_She looked up at him and anger flashed through the tormented eyes._

_" You killed them!!! You killed my babies, you monster!!!! Go away!! Give her to me and be gone!!!" _

_The words stung and burrowed deep into his heart. Sadly, Remy handed the body of the little girl to the woman and rose, feeling like the monster he had been called, feeling like an empty shell. He was in pain, so much pain but it had nothing to do with his injured arm. That woman was right. He'd killed them, he'd killed her babies._

Gambit sat up, quickly, waking as he did so, his whole body shaking. The motel room was dark and small but that's not what Remy saw. He saw those children, the ones he'd tried to save but had only ended up killing. And so many more had died that day, mostly all children, children he hadn't been able to save.

Still trembling, Remy rose and walked to the bathroom. He fumbled with the light switch for a moment, his fingers so shaky he could barely get it on. When, finally, the bathroom was flooded with light, Gambit stepped inside and looked at himself in the mirror. His face was pale and there were dark circles under his eyes. He was sweating and tears mingled with the sweat on his cheeks.

Leaning against the sink, he took a long, shuddering breath. How could he escape this? How could he rid himself of these terrible nightmares? This guilt?

Remy looked at himself once more. He needed to stop this. Somehow, he needed to do something that would make the deaths of all those children more bearable, more able to accept. He couldn't think of anything. How could the massacre of so many innocents be acceptable? Gambit shook his head, it couldn't be. Then how was he going to be able to go on with these terrible images that plagued his dreams and the knowledge that he'd been a part of the massacre?

Remy walked out of the bathroom and collapsed back onto the bed, unable to go back to sleep and not wanting to. All through that night the unanswered questions tormented, until finally, exhausted and grief stricken he fell back into a fitful sleep.


End file.
